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*Torch owner*Willing to burn a torch for us, handsome? We'd like someone who can make ten of these bendy metal objects, and since the one we have was made with a torch (and in a vice! But you can use a vise, or a corset, or whatever suits your fancy) we assume a torch to be one of the major requirements for manufacture. Anywhoo, where were we? Oh, right, we need ten of these bad boys as fast as you can bend-n-burn 'em, and might want a few more; you never know. This could be lucrative (and we can't believe we spelled that word correctly)! 
*Liquor inventory*You know, with all the bars in this area, there must be someone out there who's keeping track of how much booze is on hand, right? We'd do it ourselves, but you know how it goes. Plus, math is not our strong suit, 'cept when we're winnin' poker games. Heh heh, little inside joke there. Seriously, though, anyone capable of doing this -- hell, anyone who even has some halfway decent suggestions or ideas -- please get in touch with us, because we have a pretty sneaky suspicion that we're losing money somewhere. 
*Loader of water*Needed: a truck full of water, about 3-4,000 gallons. We don't want to know where you got the water; you don't want to know why we need so much. Understand that and we'll get along just fine. You'll be paid by the load, and this could become a full time gig for the person who shows us the right kind of initiative, if you know what we're saying. 
*Outside Sing Holder*We'll give you a pitch pipe, and a sign to hold, and you stand outside, make like a lark and sing your little heart out. Deal? Hey, it's $10/hour, which is better than McDonald's pay last time we checked...although we could be wrong by now. Anyway, we've heard you in the shower and driving around alone, and we know you've got the voice of an angel. Please, share it with the world and become our sing holder. You'll never regret it. 
*Drywall help ASAP*Okay, so I thought I could save a few bucks by doing my own ceiling and bathroom work, and you know what? I was soooo wrong! Oh, believe me, I totally excelled at the demolition aspects of the job. I've taken care of that, and even tried putting up a few sheets of drywall by myself, but they're heavy, and they don't look right, and...well, look, here's the real problem: My husband is having his boss over for dinner tonight, and if he comes home and sees this major hole I've knocked in the wall, my marriage is probably history. So, could you email me really, really soon and then come over about 10 minutes after that and fix this thing? I'll make it worth your while. 
*Retired postal workers*All right, here's the scoop: we know your retirement package isn't what it should be, and as your former employer, we'd like to help by offering an easier job. All you have to do is hang out in the post office late in the afternoon, when all the still-working postal employees are returning from their shifts, feeling tired and dirty. You remember how it felt at the end of the day, when all you wanted to do was go the hell home. But instead, there you'll be, looking fresh as a daisy, ready to sell these people new uniforms! Who can better extol the virtues of these outfits than you, who wore them for decades? Exactly! And most of our employees will buy quickly, to avoid further interaction with you. See, everyone wins! 
*Beer tub girls*
See, we're having this party for my friend, and someone said, "Hey, why don't we get a huge vat of beer and have some chicks in bikinis serving it," Maybe it was because we were all kind of drunk, but it sounded like a great idea, and still does. We even got permission from our girlfriends, wives, and some of our moms! We decided that 3 was a nice round number for beer tub personnel; one opener and two servers. In fact, we think it's such a great idea we may start a franchise, depending upon how successful this first party is. So get out those bikinis and give us a call!
*Vegetation Management*Hey, you've heard of sanitation engineers, right? Or canine relocation specialists? Hardware architects? Well, we're looking for a vegetation manager. Job responsibilities will mostly involve the operation of lawn maintenance equipment, and if you have cutting-edge skills, your own iPod and some hand-eye coordination, we'd like to hear from you ASAP. 
*Old Jeans Torn Up*I'm going to open this totally cool, wickedly bad-ass restaurant, got it? I've got everything planned right down to the napkin rings, and now we're working on those last few details. The place looks great, kind of like the garage Fonzie worked in: make a mental note of that. Now, what I need are photographs of torn up jeans for my menu covers. See how my mind works? Winner gets $1,000. Loser gets his photo used for free. 
*Free pole dancing class*That's right, ladies. These classes are absolutely free. In fact, they're really more like one-on-one very intense instruction sessions. Once you've got the moves down, jobs will be available, and compensation will be discussed. No experience necessary! Call us now to schedule.
*Ex-cheerleader*
You! Over there...yeah, you, the fiery cougar. Has anyone told you lately that you're still just as smokin' hot as you were back in the day? Because you're looking fabulous! Or maybe you're a late bloomer, someone who dreamt of popularity that was always undeservedly out of reach. Well, some long-overdue attention should be lavished upon you immediately, because you're ravishing, dahling. In either case, you can now utilize your aging but ever-enthusiastic and unbelievably shapely bod to wash hair, paint someone's fingernails, or something. We'll find a place for you, sweetie, don't worry! 
*Butter talk*
Hi, it's Linda Richman. Ladies, aged 18-27, we’d like to chat. We'll have a paid discussion, even. I’ll give you a topic: buttah or margarine, which is bettah? Discuss. Meanwhile, I’m getting a little verklempt over heeyah. Telecommuting is also an option; give us a call at (212) 555-4444. That’s four to the power of four. We'll talk, no big whoop.
*Remover of debris*Look, I need someone to haul away the debris in my front and back yard, and I need it done immediately. Yesterday, even. I’ve been getting these damn notices on my front door for years, and always threw them away and laughed, figuring nothing would ever come of it. Then I get home from work one day to find they’re going to call the place condemned and sell it right from under me if I don’t make it “presentable.” It’s perfectly presentable by my standards, but there’s just no pleasing some people. I figure $30-$40 should be more then enough, and that’s easy money.
*Roller skating employee*You knew all those hours of practice would eventually pay off, even if no one else ever did. But today, can you believe it?!, Astro Skate is finally holding auditions! After school, 4 p.m., meet you in the parking lot. And don’t tell a lot of other people, because the competition is already going to be super-fierce. Most important thing, duh, is your ability to skate, and to look like you’re not trying too hard. And wear something cool. They’re not going to be hiring any losers.
*Liker of boats, sun & tiki bars*
Okay, let’s see if you’re paying attention. This is a part-time office job, okay? You need some basic office and computer skills. All right, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. You need excellent people skills and an outgoing personality, as well as the ability to wear flip-flops and shorts down by the waterfront. Also, you may have to spend some of your workdays actually on the boats or hanging out in the tiki bars. One more thing: it’ll be a flexible schedule. We’re not about rigidity. So, like, don’t send any prepared resumes or anything formal. Just a short note of introduction and interest will do, and give us a time to schedule your interview. Man, you’re going to have so much fun you’re going to wish this was a full-time gig.
