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*Janitorial Enclave On-Site Supervisor*Janitors aren’t born, they're made. The best janitors complete their special and intensive training at janitorial enclaves across the country. You hadn’t heard of this? Well, you probably don’t know the rites of the masons either, do you? Or the secret handshake of the barbers. Meanwhile, our enclave needs someone on-site, someone to make sure everyone’s in bed with lights out by 9:30 and that custodial uniforms are never exposed to bleach or harsh sunlight. And, you know, manage all the other highly secretive enclave activities. But mostly just keep these people in line.
*Pond Service Technician*Like the idea of working outside instead of being stuck behind a desk all day? Who doesn’t? Okay, you’ve been around ponds before, right? Sure you have! And you know a pond when you see one, yes? You’re aware of the difference between ponds, puddles, rivers, oceans, and dry ground, do we have that established? Great! Then this job’s going to be perfect for you. All you have to do is handle the day-to-day operation of a route, and service the ponds that need some work. There usually won’t be many, and complaints made by pond residents are to be expressly ignored at all times.
*Experienced Fine Casual Manager*
As everyone knows, most of us do not have good managerial skills. In fact, the majority of managerial positions seem to be given to those who are particularly weak in this area. We’ve had that kind of person in this position before and it didn’t work out well. What we need is someone experienced in being both fine and casual while retaining a manager edge. Keep them respecting you without seeming like an uptight bastard. Walk the line between being one of the guys and being the one guy who never really has to do any work; do it with grace, and you’re probably in for life.
*Tamale preparer*
You: make 50 of the best tamales every week; let’s do seven every day and the one extra’s for me. Then I’ll go out and re-sell them. Or maybe they’re going to be my dinner—it’s not really your business once you turn the tamales over to me. Best tamales get the job, so ladies, start your ovens!
*Leader of the Pack*
You may have thought there were no more pack leader positions out there. Possibly you even thought there were no more packs needing leadership. But in some parts of the country time just kind of stands still, and packs still roam the streets. If you like making money and sunshine, this is the job for you! If you can have a friendly conversation, we can show you $500 to $800 a week. Of course, that’s not what we’ll pay you; we’ll pay you $10-$15 per hour. But, as pack leader, the number of hours worked is your call, and most of our pack leaders make significantly less than that.
*Halloweenie*Just need you to hand out candy from a business location for 2½ hours, after which you get off and receive a flat $20 bill, as opposed to those triangular bills of which you may have heard. And you can maybe take one or two candy bars while I’m gone, as long as you “bare” in mind that this is a place of business where I am constantly on the go. Otherwise, I’d be there handing out the candy myself, because God knows I love those kids. But I have to go deal with a few jerks at some advice place who think they can steal my stuff. 
*Aluminum wielder*Uh, basically what we’re looking for is someone who can wield aluminum. And we want it wielded well, in a hearty way; swing it like you care for a change. Any sign spinner can stand there with some aluminum in his hands; we need that rare guy who can wield it. Spelling and grammar not important, and telecommuting is a (surprising) option.
*Partner*Look, all I need is $5,000. You got that, and us two can make some serious moolah, capiche? See, we’ll start a national real estate company—don’t even think about it, I got it all figured out—and we’d do one auction a month and get 10% of the sales, and the minimum sales amount would be half a million. See how that will work? Like shooting fish in a barrel. Yeah, yeah, be in touch later, but send the dough ASAP.
*Classy, Sassy, Fun Promo Girl*Hey, how’d you like to be both classy and sassy at the same job? You have to like day spas, as if you don’t! Besides, full training’s provided, so it barely matters. You’ll earn a great living, you’ll meet people, it’ll be fun and promotional, and we’re totally
serious. It’s one of those get paid to have fun jobs, and everyone wants that!
*Photo booth assembler/attendant*Okay, we are offering a two-pronged fork of opportunity over here. First, you show up at an event and set up a photo booth...so, you're gonna need some abilities in the handyman department. And you will be responsible for anything that goes happens to the photo booth, so there'll be no mis-assembling, got that? This is a delicate operation. Meanwhile, the rest of the job is that during the event itself you act all friendly and mingle with the people. Offer to help them with their fun photo booth experience. Make it seem like a really good time. If they want to include you in that experience, by all means join in. Remember, you're keeping the company's image going, and you want to have future events to attend, so play nice. As soon as they all leave, carefully dissemble the photo booth and rush back here for under the table cash payment. We do not tolerate no-shows! You and the photo booth must both attend the event in order to get paid. Capiche? Oh, right, and we'll need a head shot...because we said so, that's why.
*Going to the dump*Hey, were you going to be going to the dump tomorrow? I mean, no reason you should be, but maybe you're using some of that down time to clean your place up a little, get rid of some things you really aren't using that take up way too much space. Anyway, if that's on your agenda, mind stopping by my place first? I've got this dresser that I really never liked in the first place, and I'll pay you $10 to come get it and take it to the dump with you. Kind of like a dump date. No, it's not a job, but I'm assuming someone who's sitting there going through want ads probably could use the money. No need to get huffy about it. 
*Fraud analyst II*We all like to think we know how to cut right through the bull and get to the heart of any given issue. Well, here's a job that puts those skills to the test. Can you really detect and analyze fraud in its many guises? Fraud can be pretty sneaky, after all. You're going to have to use some research skills, your eyes, and a telephone or two in order to get to the bottom of some of this fraud. Think you're up to it? We'll be wanting a 2-year degree, just to separate some of the wheat from the chaff, and some experience with fraud and its detection, and a few other minor requirements. Come on in and see if you've got what it takes to analyze fraud. 
*Color matcher*Here’s an easy enough task for those of you not color blind. Simply match the color of stain or lacquer finishes, and we’re talking a minimum of six custom color matches per day, so there’s a fair amount of hustle involved here. You can’t be sitting there all day, adding another drop or so of the cheery cherry to the torrid teak—you’ve got to be able to pretty much eyeball it and know in your heart of hearts what shades are required, then match them as quickly as possible, because you’re also going to have other duties, like picking up and putting away. Pay? If you asked, you should have looked into the floor job, below.
*Floor caregiver*Step on up to a real career working in floor care. Everyone’s always talking ‘bout the walls or the nice furniture, but the place ain’t clean unless the floor looks good, dust free and shining like you could eat a meal off it. If you’re one of the few who can appreciate and truly care for such a floor, we welcome your application. In return we’ll give you unlimited opportunities to grow as well as benefits. Benefits! I think I just started caring a little more about the floor.
*Starter over*Here’s the deal: I want a live-in housekeeper. But there’s a small catch. I’d prefer using your house, okay? You must love pets, live in an executive home and have a cool job; you must be living well in this bad economy. And in return for that, I’ll give you $8/hour to help me with my cooking, cleaning, and business needs. After all, I’m starting over, and I’d like to share it with you. Hope your house is really nice, because I’ve got what’s called expensive taste.
*Jewelry buyer*Hard times and low-paying, part-time jobs with no benefits don’t mean you have to give up your sense of entitlement! Now you can actually make money buying jewelry, making your expertly tasteful choices from among a wide variety of fine jewelry-purveying establishments in the area. No experience needed, we’ll train you, you’re getting paid to shop and look at jewelry, maybe even try it on…ladies, do you have a car, and maybe a nice, classy dress? The bonuses you’ll be receiving (mostly in the form of jewelry you’ve handpicked!) take the base salary up to about $25-$35/hour.
*People-person*
Are you a people-person? Studies show that 9.7 out of 10 people reply yes when asked this question, but the truth hovers at a much more accurate 15%. So, we know you’ll lie about the people-person part. But we have other, very stringent, qualifications, so see if you can toe this line: can you be energetic? How about loud? Do you like working with cool, loud people and art? Okay, you’re probably lying again, but what if we also tell you that tattoos and piercings are also fine? And we don’t drug screen, run credit checks, or ask for driver’s licenses as identification. Line forms to the left.
*Upcoming Camerman*This job requires a cameraman with his or her own equipment for a potential pilot featuring national talent, and we already have some interest from major networks. We can't be naming names or anything. But if you know any famous people, tell us about that in your application, because it would be a good thing. So, anyway, we'd need you for about half a day. Do you, by any chance, have a Cannon XL2 or better? Some Grey Poupon? Okay, now for the kind of sensitive part: this is a non-paying shoot. Yeah, bummer, we know. But don't worry. Arrangements will be made on the backend. If you're hungry and want to break into a show that'll go national very, very quickly and be more popular than any other show debuting in the near future, now is the time to reply....er, apply. Looking forward to hearing from you. And your camera.
*Elephant Husbandry*
For $8/hour plus housing, we’ll let you spend four months largely outside, raising some elephants and learning how to do it on your own in that tried & true “teach a man to fish” way. The experience includes classroom and hands-on instruction from the elephants themselves. It’s not just a job, it’s an adventure! But you must bring your own food, and guard it carefully at night.
*Weekend Fish Tackle Salesman*
For a local flea market. Be nice if you knew something about fishing, tackle, or are just willing to talk to lonely old guys, because that’s most of the job. Actually, most of the job is sitting there watching other flea market attendees walk past your stand, and that’s why the owner’s no longer willing to waste his weekends this way. Pay is minimum wage plus tackle discounts, and no one gives those out any more.
*Arabic DJ*
Looking for someone local who’s willing to make international things happen. If you have followers and you think you can pick this place up, the place is yours! (well, not really) But the compensation is a partnerchip…whatever that means. Maybe after collecting a certain number of chips, one becomes a partner in the business. Better yet, telecommuting is okay. No one needs to actually see the DJ, after all. I’ve got a room, some speakers, and a dream, okay? You handle everything else.
*Hip-Hop Teacher*
Do you know you some hip hop? Like to talk about the old days when it was all happenin’ and everyone was still keepin’ it real? ‘Cause people be forgettin’ things already and we need someone to set them straight. We’re looking for a hip-hop teacher with experience and a dance back ground. The position pays $25.00 per hour and offers a great opportunity with an established school. (The School of Rock, in fact)
*Artist’s model*
Artist's model needed for fine art sculpture project. Prefer female, 5'2" to 5'6". Must have athletic build (runner/gymnast) and be able to hold pose for ten minute intervals. In other words, some old guy with money to burn wants to look at you and quench his inner artist simultaneously. But for $20/hour, it might be worth it.
*Former smoker*
Used to smoke and finally quit? Good for you! And to show you how proud we are, we’ll pay you $12/hour to be a former smoker for three whole hours. That’s all you have to do. Show up, don’t smoke, collect your paycheck, and leave. All jobs should be so easy. 
*HDTV Enthusiast*
Got one o’them fancy, new-fangled high definition televisions? Do you like it a lot? Like, a whole lot? If so, we’ve got the perfect position for you: writing recommendations for those who aren’t yet hip to the wonderful-ness that is HDTV. This here's an opportunity to do something you love, something you’d probably do for free anyway, and it’s always good to have polished persuasive skills. So, give us a little mock-up, would you? We’ll invent a pretend customer, and you write a hand-tailored recommendation (hint: you always need to recommend our brand, got that?) and if it works for us, you’re in. We’ll give you a flat rate of about $20 for every TV sold. Talk about easy money! 
*Coffee consultant*
What, did you think people just went to the grocery store and bought coffee? Not in the new, hip world we now inhabit, where your coffee says even more about you than your shoes or cell phone. This job demands a high level of nasal and taste bud sensitivity, but if you’re the type whose attention we got with the job title coffee consultant, you’re probably that sensitive. Training available for those on the less sensitive side. Pay will be commission – you are not going to believe the number of people who want a personal coffee consultant. Act now; positions are limited. 
*Gas pumper*
That’s right, we’re bringing back the good old days. You can unleash your inner Gomer Pyle by working long hours as a petroleum pump attendant, working night and weekend shifts. Pay is $9 to $11 per hour…not too shabby, when you stop and think about it. And there’s the added benefit of knowing people won’t believe you when you talk about work. Aww…we just noticed, as you probably did, that the person who placed this ad provided only a non-working email address. That’s okay, you can find us! Just get in your car and start driving. When you get to the gas station with the attendants, come in and apply! 
*Athletic supporter*
Hey, now! Not a boring desk job type? How’d you like a position selling the most user friendly ball launcher in the country? No more fungo bats, tennis rackets, or sore arms…just lots and lots of balls, launched all over the place. Product appeals to absolutely every living being, and practically sells itself. Better yet, you won’t be selling on commission. Oh, no. You’ll own your own business, meaning you will first buy the ball launchers from us, and then you’ll have to sell them. Again, why do you not take charge of your own career? We're offering you a prime opportunity over here, and you better not pass it up. 
*Unemployed volunteer*
Hurry up and apply for this one before it's too late! This is a golden opportunity to work as an unemployed volunteer for a non-profit that hasn’t started yet. It’s going to take sacrifice and hard work, but believe us, it’s for your benefit, not ours. After all, non-profits are not in business to make money. Thusly, your pay will come as you bring it in. You will eventually manage others…if you bring them in. Want lunch? Better bring that as well. Stop sitting on your ass and take charge of your own career for a change. Please do not send a resume. Just send us a letter telling us how you’d like to help, where you see yourself fitting in, and we’ll handle things from our end.
*Private entertainers*
If you’re between the ages of 18 and 21, are cute, and have a bubbly personality, guess what? You don’t need experience! You are the be-all and end-all, the ne plus ultra, at the absolute top of your game and still a few minutes before your expiration date. For that, we’ll give you $100/hour. You read that correctly. However, on your 22nd birthday you’re fired. Sorry, but we have standards to maintain.
*Dean Martin type*
People are always telling you how much you remind them of Dean, right? And now you can get paid for it, if you can pull off both the Dean style of singing and that Martinesque humor. C’mon, look at yourself in the mirror. You could pull it off. You should see some of the guys who think they look like Dean—your chances are much better than theirs. And you sing divinely. No, really, you do.
*Saudi cultural trainer*
Know what it’s like to be a Saudi? We know there’s no alcohol involved, and our interest level went way, way down immediately, but some people can overlook this. If you’re one of them, you can earn $250 a day teaching people how to behave Saudially. You could probably even throw in a faux pas or two; who’s going to know until it's way too late? 
*Graffiti Artist*
Potential employer has one wall, just the one, and would like it tagged up a little. “Artisticly, of course.” Of course! Not grammatically, duh. And the potential employer is willing to pay the going rate for graffiti, which is $150-200 per wall. A wall or two a day and it’s a full-blown career, pretty much.
*Drug-free entertainer*
Man, just be entertaining on some level. But be sober and straight, not some sloppy hot mess. “Pill-heads need not apply.” Is there a better way to keep the pill-heads from applying than that? We think not. Type of entertaining being done is not specified; think of it like the Gong Show. Someone will let you know whether or not your brand of drug-free entertainment is worthy of exposure to others. 
*Meticulous housekeeper*
This job requires no special costuming, training or thought. Simply show up at someone’s house one day per week and give it the white glove treatment. You know, the way you do at home. The place is a total wreck; each and every week there will be “plenty to keep you busy for a full day.” So, keep the feather duster in motion at all times, and you’ll know what the pay is after you’ve discussed it with the meticulous homeowner. However, be warned that your level of meticulousnous will not correspond with this person’s, and this job will be short-lived. Alas. 
*Female restroom valet*
Oh, yes. If you have a cell phone and an outgoing personality, you’re hired! We don’t really want to talk too much about what the job actually entails, but you can and should expect tips. And repeat customers. You’ll want to take a shower the second you get home! 
*Beer student*
This job requires men between the ages of 21 and 45 who have consumed some kind of mainstream, popular beer—such as Michelob, Sam Adams, or even even Milwaukee’s Best—on a “regular basis.” You’ll get paid $100 for less than 2 hours of your precious drinking time! As a female, I find it vastly unfair that only beer guzzlin’ men are needed. I applied for this job using a false name, but they saw right through me. 
*Bikini housecleaning*
Got a sexy enough bod, and you’ll never go hungry, at least through your second decade of life. Bikini housecleaning is just what it sounds like: get all dolled up, put on your smallest bathing suit, and clean a stranger’s house, while he watches. There’s no touching allowed, and girls go in pairs “for safety.” That means if you get the right bikini housecleaning partner, you never have to be the one to do the toilets. Also note: although the job ad states that girls work in pairs, men are actually encouraged to apply. Speedo housecleaning is very popular with the soignée widows, but they don’t like to advertise. 
